By Dr. Chiwuike Uba
I spend a lot of time talking with my children, friends, and colleagues (especially the youth) about societal issues that we find meaningful and important. For me, it is the quickest and easiest way I evaluate my life and learn new things. Recently, I began to have deeper conversations with my children about the consequences of intentions and/or misalignment of our intentions with the outcomes of our actions. We are naturally very good at justifying our actions, even when it turns out so bad. Sometimes, a key excuse is usually: *‘it was not my intention to do this or this is not the intended outcome’*.
I grew up hearing the statement; *‘follow my words and not my action (behavior)’*. That is, *Ndị soro okwu ọnụ m, esola omume m’*. Who knows, it may be the reason it is so hard for us to prioritize impacts over intents. Our lives (behaviors) are rarely in alignment with our words and professions. I personally did introspection recently, and I discovered that almost every one of us is guilty of this life-destroying demeanor, including most of the religious leaders. Whereas people may consider the intention of the outcome of our actions, we are judged mainly by our actions, not our intentions. After all, actions they say speak louder than voice. You may have a heart of gold, but, so does a hard-boiled egg. No wonder the scriptures say, we shall be remembered by and for our works, not our words and/or intentions. It is not only about intent. It is more about outcome and impact.
Obviously, some of us have good intentions. I don’t know about you though, but I do not find myself thinking about undermining others, committing sin, pointing fingers at others, and other social vices when I wake up in the morning. Nevertheless, I have realized that because we say our intentions are good or positive doesn’t mean they truly are. Sometimes, deep down we are actually holding a negative intention more often than we would like to admit. Therefore, it is important to always take a deeper look into our intentions to truly know our real intentions. Sometimes, there could be another intention beneath the surface. Do not act without taking time to identify what you truly want and able to match your intention with your goal. You need to understand your true intention, where it is coming from, and its impact on the other person or group. For instance, there may be a hidden intention to a gift given to another, a visit to someone else’s house, a message sent over the phone, etc.
As humans, our decisions and (in)actions affect other people, knowingly or unknowingly. Agreeably, none of us are perfect, therefore, we are all prone to thoughts and behaviors, and even feelings that cause a misalignment between what we really want or are committed to and what we are actually engaged in. I have someone very close to me, who, on many occasions, has made resolutions and promises to become more responsive and responsible, but always return to the old ways, as soon as such promises were made. Evidently, the person may have good intentions, but along the way, something triggers a negative thought pattern, action, or even series of behaviors that push the person’s behavior below the line. The person ends up acting in ways that do not align with the best intentions. For me, what I see, even when I refuse to be judgmental is the outcome/impact. Most times, the action and outcome are so heartbreaking and painful, but the intentions for the actions may not be very negative.
In most cases, such misalignment stems from our inability to accept the issues and/or intentions as bad. We promise to change in order to please the other party. Nevertheless, sometimes, our emotions take over when we do not realize it and lead us to behave in ways we do not like but can cleverly justify. The truth remains that while we interpret ourselves by our intentions; everyone else interprets us by what we do. You do not see yourself as others see you. To be able to clarify our intentions to ourselves and to others and also build sustainable relationships, we need self-awareness.
People are rarely moved by what we say. It is who we are, the essence of our being that translates for people. And who we are is determined by the energy behind our action, and the intention behind our thought. We are what we think and do, therefore, need to be vigilant with our thoughts and actions at all times. Thoughts precede action and it’s not just what we do, but how we think that creates negativity. If our intentions do not always align with what we say or do, it negatively impacts how others receive what we say or do. Always ask yourself, who am I? What am I doing? What am I getting? What do I really want? What can I change? Always find a way to trigger yourself right back up to a space of openness, honesty, and positivity whenever you realize you have fallen foul of your intentions.
The truth is that it is not only the third party that suffers when our intentions are out of misalignment with our actions, outcome, and impact. Individually, for those that are sincere and still good, it wears down our parts, pieces, energy, resolve, and essence, resulting in undesired consequences. In the case of the person I referenced earlier, you would see the person very remorseful after the impact, but the problem is more on misalignment. I am sure we all know what happens to the tires and other parts of a car when the wheels of a car are out of alignment. The tires are worn down and damaged, the same way the steering and the quality of the ride are adversely impacted. The quality of our lives is also diminished when our spine is out of alignment. Life becomes more of a struggle, tasks become harder and relationships encounter conflict when our intentions are out of alignment with our action and the outcome-impact.
As with cars, we need to realign our intentions with our actions, our values, our expectations, our roles or responsibilities, to demonstrate our level of commitment and loyalty in order to achieve a desirable outcome and impact. We need to realign our integrity with our actions, as we reaffirm our intention. Nevertheless, realignment may not achieve the purpose and desired outcome, if we are unable to identify and address the causes of the misalignment. We need to ask ourselves critical questions, such as: what is causing stress and conflict? What is draining your energy? What is making you feel bad? What symptoms is your body exhibiting? Do your thoughts match your actions? Are you holding onto grudges and resentments? Are you living in alignment with your integrity and values? Are you feeling unsettled? Once you identify what may be causing misalignment, take deliberate steps to close the gaps, realign your attitude and actions to feel dynamic and balanced again. You won’t get where you want to go until your behaviors consistently express your intentions.
You may also ask your family, friends, and colleagues to evaluate your behaviors. If they could see your behaviors without your explanations, what would they think of you and your life direction? Most times, we say we are working on being positive, but, the reality is that our behaviors do not express such intention. We need that second opinion to interpret us by what we are doing. We need to live in ways that enable others to “get us”. If we are not always striving for awareness, we will not get there.
Finally, always put yourself in the other person’s shoes, by changing roles. If you were the other person, how would your behavior look and feel? Ask yourself: Is the behavior I am demonstrating in line with my intent?” Never assume negative intent. Recognizing your feelings are your own and your experience is impacted by the meaning you give an action will keep you grounded and positive. While we are shaped by our experiences that started long before the current moment such as the culture, we need to change those thoughts if we want a better result. We need to be emotionally intelligent by realigning our intent with our values, integrity, and actions. Even if it does not match your own self-perception, always listen when you are told that your impact does not line up with your intent. Learning, unlearning, and relearning has been identified as a good way to learn, grow and improve. Communication is important as we begin the realignment of our intent and action. While we want people to see us based on our intent, we are judged by our actions, for if we all judged people by their intent, the world would be a happier place. Remember, ‘actions speak louder than words’
*Dr. Uba is an economist
