Recently, while I was watching a television program with my children, one of my children asked me for my opinion on cohabitation prior to marriage. As a matter of fact, the referenced program is Nollywood film. In the film, the mother of the woman cohabiting with a young man demonstrated strong support for cohabitation. She was heard advising her daughter not to return to the family house, regardless of the outcome of her alleged imminent marriage to the boy. In any case, without appearing to be moralizing, I told my child that, given my convictions and the statistics available, I would in no way encourage cohabitation. My answer comes from available evidence and personal experience. The dangers of premarital cohabitation are enormous.
A lot of young people are concerned about what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes their questions are aimed at clarifying, or supporting or demystifying what they already know or may have believed to be the truth. I refrain from answering or discussing questions of this kind from a biblical or spiritual point of view. Doing so may encourage a defense and a challenge; therefore, I prefer to use available socio-economic facts to answer such questions. With respect to this issue, let us first consider the definition and concept of cohabitation.
Cohabitation could simply be defined as a situation where two people who have romantic relationships are living together without an official commitment to marriage. Those persons could be two married persons or two persons who are not married, or one married and one unmarried persons. Legally, cohabitation creates an agency relationship between the partners. Unfortunately, most cohabitating partners do not know about this issue. In the context of cohabitation, partners agree, knowingly or not, on a consensual basis, to assume the rights traditionally included in marriage, including sexual relationships, and the rights and obligations usually found in marriage.
Incidentally, cohabitation prior to marriage is becoming more common worldwide. Fifty-four years ago, living with an unmarried spouse was a rarity. Then only 0.1% of those aged 18 to 24 and 0.2% of those aged 25 to 34 were living with an unmarried partner. In 2019, 70% of women lived in cohabitation before marriage, compared with less than 11% of women living in cohabitation outside marriage before the 1980s. At that time, it was not socially acceptable to live in cohabitation before marriage, unlike now, where it has been accepted as a normal practice by the majority. Among those aged 18-24, cohabitation is now more prevalent than living with a spouse. Today, just 30% of young adults aged 18 to 34 are married, but 44 years ago, 69% of young adults were married. Married adults are more likely than cohabitants to express strong confidence in their spouse or partner.
In Nigeria, most of the students in higher education institutions are in a cohabitation relationship called “campus marriage, “couples”, “campus coupling, and, “marrying for marriage. Unfortunately, most parents are unaware and even those who are aware are unable to intervene because of the ongoing sexual liberation around the world. Premarital sex is no longer abhorred. In Nigeria, according to findings of a research led by Grace A.T. Scent in 2019, 6.9% of those between the ages of 15 -19 were in cohabitating relationship. Similarly, 54.3% of persons aged 20 to 29, 27.2% of persons aged 30 to 39 and 0.9% of persons aged 40 and above are cohabiting. Studies have shown that cohabitation adversely affects students’ academic performance, health and well-being.
Sliding into cohabitation relationship would not be a problem if sliding out were so easy. But this is not the case. Too often, young adults find themselves in what they imagine to be low-cost, low-risk situations, but they find themselves unable to recover months or even years later. In this case, consumer lock-in take hold. Persons living in cohabitation are less likely to look for another option or change it once an investment in emotions, time, money, etc. has been made. The greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another, even better, situation.
The truth is that, sometimes, living together can be fun and economical, and the setup costs are subtly woven. Cohabitants happily share rent, costs of food, furnishings, among others. Subsequently, these set-up costs and switching costs have an impact on their probability of leaving. Most of the girls in cohabitating relationships are abused and beaten on daily basis, yet, they find it difficult to slide out of the relationship. Creating relationships based on convenience or ambiguity can have an adverse effect on the claims process of the people we love. A life built based on “maybe you’ll do” simply may not feel as dedicated as a life built based on “we do” of commitment or marriage. I go do is just a wishful thinking. Think about it.
As I mentioned earlier, most teenagers and young adults believe that moving in together with someone is the most natural and beneficial process that leads to marriage. Unfortunately, evidence-based studies have shown that the more intimate relationships people have, the lower their satisfaction with their marriage. ‘See finish na bad thing ooo!’ First, people who have had more intimate relationships in the past are more familiar with their options, which leads to difficulties getting married. Second, they have more to compare to the existing relationship. They may feel like the grass was greener in previous relationships, sexually, emotionally or otherwise. There is also the likelihood of concentrating on the negative aspects in a relationship or that breakup is inevitable. Couples who cohabit before marriage tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and are more likely to divorce. You can’t compare if you don’t know the options available.
Furthermore, the percentage of cohabiting couples who married in the next three years fell from 60% in the 1970s to about 33% in the 1990s. This shows that cohabitation decreases the chances for partners to marry. The law of diminishing marginal utility affects cohabitating partners and makes it more increasingly difficult for them to marry each other. If I get it without any cost of commitment, why should I get committed with a marriage contract? Similarly, cohabiting men work less hours than married men and are almost twice as likely to be unemployed. There is more violence and more divorce between couples who cohabit before marriage.
Cohabitation carries double the risk of infidelity than marriage, and those who cohabited prior to marriage were still half as likely to commit adultery. A married woman has a right to confront her husband if she discovers any form of infidelity. It is not the same with cohabitating partners. Yours is still work in endless process. In addition to public engagement, married individuals are more likely to have children and own a home jointly. Moreover, since there is less risk of having other relationships, it is no surprise that cohabitants are more likely to have secondary sexual partners. Women living in a cohabitating relationship are also about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than women living in a marital relationship. Women are more likely to be subjected to violence by a cohabiting spouse than by a husband.
Also, children are more likely to be ill-treated by their mother’s boyfriend than by her husband, even if the boyfriend is their biological father. Many people imagine that living together prior to the marriage looks like taking a car for a test drive. They believe that the “trial period” gives people a chance to discover whether they are compatible. It is important to acknowledge that the car has no hurt feelings if the driver drops it off at the second-hand car park and decides not to buy it. The analogy works very well if you think of yourself as the driver and not the car. It stinks when you think about yourself like a car.
The above analogy mirrors an agreement, which amounts to saying: “I am willing to let you use me as if I were a commodity, as long as you allow me to treat you as if you were a commodity”. Finally, among young women, married women have a higher level of financial security than common-law women. Cohabiting couples are three times more likely to report having trouble drinking than those who were married.
In conclusion, we need to ensure that our children, particularly our teenagers and those in tertiary institutions, have a clear sense of the dangers of living together before marriage. They need to know the facts, as we demystify myths and lies, they were told by their peers and the world. Everything at the right time. God is with us!
Dr. Uba is Chairman of ACUF Foundation
